just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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