# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
