Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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