she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
