i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my shit smells like andre
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
