taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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