my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
