She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
