three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
