It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
