I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
