Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm passing your future prison.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
