Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
should my penis look like a turkey
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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