I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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