maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
