My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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