Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
