I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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