mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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