so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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