im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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