My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
