Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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