alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
