is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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