k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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