from now on my penis is your penis
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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