no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
