Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
