I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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