I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
