Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
