My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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