my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I deserve this hangover.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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