bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
