just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
