I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
