I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
