You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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