im six kinds of drunk right now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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