did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
