Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I had to cum in my sink.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
