Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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