Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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