I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
