how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
