if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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