I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
