apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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