Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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