My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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