If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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